"On Gods" -- Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

10-18-2489

every story must come from somewhere.

every person must have a road.

every road needs a guide.

and always

every life

began with

once upon a time.

i was...

alone-

no that's not right...

i loved her.

not as you may love a partner, but as you may love

family.

but there was never family.

there was only us.

and we were gods

and these were the death of us,

the last days of our lives

and we swore by the fire we would never speak of it

of terrible days

and terrible gods

with terrible ways

holding bleeding

hearts in

red ruddy hands

lest we forget

and we...

forgot ourselves

where did i lose you?

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

Your death affords you three options: obscurity, legend, warning tale.

11-12-2489

i started writing as a child...

ever since i was a young boy, i dreamt

of far off worlds

of long ago worlds

and maybe

some in the distant future...

i escaped,

because when life affords you no other options,

you still can run.

and perhaps i was a coward.

perhaps i was not so brave,

to confront his painful fist

the way i slew dragons in my daydreams.

and perhaps i was afraid.

perhaps i was not so bold,

to argue with his painful words

the way i held court with golden kings.

but when you are so small,

and so all alone,

you can at least be brave enough to run.

i have never stopped running, not even now.

i see my home burning behind me, and that's why i can't look back.

legends and stories tell of weapons that slay monsters.

perhaps, one day, i may find it

and turn to slay the only dragon left.

we all want to be the hero...

i've come to realize tales of the future are always bleak,

because... we do not yet know how they will end.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

You're only armed to the teeth because you're more brittle than you care to admit.

12-28-2489

breathe in calm,

breathe out-

crashing

cracking

crumbling

kingdoms of ruined ash

spinning

choking

bleeding

breathing

being...more

a volcano, a mountain no more

screaming fury into the still-born sky-

no rest

no throne to be spared

no light

in your cold dead eyes

winter spared him, her hold on his throat

painting gold painting ash smearing coal striken ruin from the land

washing out old emerald the rich spewed like fire

underfoot underground

six feet deep but your fingers graze hell

and you swallow pearls of fear like coins to pay the ferryman

a blanket drawn over tired eyes and tired lips speaking painful lies

and he's not listening anymore

your gods have gone silent

and under the rubble

your heart's still beating

he ate three cities in a night,

yet we allowed him to flourish.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

You are a quiet god, and your hunger is cavernous.

today is

a day.

the date doesn't matter, because it never did.

numbers arranged in sequence- count them out in their pretty little one two threes

ticking on a clock

on a neck

on the pulse

of what's left of

me

he stands at the sink in a bathroom, and he's not me anymore.

i'm watching him from

just across the room.

he's looking at his eyes because the eyes are the windows to the soul

but every time he looks in

there's nobody there anymore

and how do you define a soul

if machines can be real and alive

is it by birth is it by life

does someone have to love you before you are worthy of a soul.

he's looking at his eyes because he doesn't recognize me anymore.

separated from myself, i've ceased to become the man

who's taking tools to his teeth and pulling them out

one

at

a

time

discarding them in the sink.

porcelain wrapped steel slips down the drain and i swear to god i swear

i could see him falling away like pieces of an old radio tower

that stopped broadcasting years ago because there's nothing in his head anymore

except the voices that won't stop

that can't stop

that need to be heard

and it was a bad idea

the worst one yet

to house three souls in a broken head

and he FUCKED UP

and we're a FUCK UP

and we CAN'T WAKE UP

from a fucking dream in a world that's dying its dead we buried it

under the floor boards because we were ashamed

and that's why we ran and

he's no different than me

but he can't see

that i'm trying to reach out

to speak out

to make him look at me

and another tooth slips down the drain

and it's machinery

and it's imaginary

and the pain is fabricated

and it's past midnight but he won't listen because we need to sleep

and he's not me anymore and there's a split like fractured bones

when his dad hit him too hard

and he's justifying it all with the false idea

that if a father can hurt his son

then maybe there's no god

and maybe you have to create one

if you want something to believe in.

because faith is fragile...

because hope is fleeting...

and he's filled the sockets with rifle casings and his is a bite that ends lives

and he's not afraid to use his teeth anymore.

he's not afraid to die anymore...

we are gods in the flesh, our potential unrealized.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

You might not be afraid to die, but it doesn't mean you're ready.

4-18-2490

i wake in a cold sweat.

not to succor of foggy morning

but to the lies bled across my sheets.

time was never real

and indeed i felt always that i never was.

what author would pen my tale?

hands twisting in coloured fabric of a place i fled,

twined between fingers missing

the only ring that mattered.

and sometimes i can feel her throat.

like cinders and ash clogging up my teeth

and choking the life from my lungs.

but i was made to drown

in you.

your mouth never tasted the same since,

and i fear that ive forgotten what is gospel.

the mirror shows me a man who used to be there.

broken time and time again,

more gold in the fractures than porcelain remains.

painting charcoal over the cracks,

could you be why i feel so empty.

even though i'm made of gold,

you're better off alone.

carving words into my skin,

flesh and bone, promises i cannot keep.

and i woke up.

my bed felt more full than my heart.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

Contrary to popular belief, it's unwise to temper creatures of flesh and bone like steel.

5-04-2490

sometimes i tire of the iron facade, and desire something intimate,

something holy... something to make me feel whole.

forgive me,

i fear i've misplaced my spine tonight. you understand, i'm sure.

i was never pure.

i was never yours,

to have and hold,

full of holes,

filled in like cavities in the heart.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

I know you mean well. I worry, I worry, I worry.

5-26-2490

if i loved you--

i would let you be, unseen, unrivaled, sweet dreams.

oh nothing could be as quiet, serene.

if i loved you--

i would hang on your every breath, paused for just

a moment, to rest, and here's to back and forths

to see and sing and

oh how could i forget.

fingers through skin, through gossamer nothings and

if i loved you, i would make time, sometime, coffee and

just so, just so, how it goes, let go

if i loved you--

i couldn't bare the soul and the weight pressing down

reaching out and i felt, i felt my legs give way.

old boards over souls we hid in the basement oh gone

they're buried and we did our best.

fingers through skin, through saccharine wishes

to have and to hold carried on cherry kisses to break

and bow

and never forget oh you, oh you burrowed inside,

oh you, never left me with memories

only holes, spun through cardiac arrest with worms in the heart

parasites, it's alright, it's nothing i can't take

bending and bowing

until my back breaks.

if i loved you--

i could go on, and stolen words made off on wingbeats

sordid lies, restless sleep, wedding rings melted down

into brighter futures

into nighmares

if i loved you--

i would have spoken it with devotion, hands and knees

begging, please, understand there's no one i want more than you

stagnant waters live with life underneath, precious

not to you, not to me, spun selfless and free and full of

viscous grime that we let build up, give it time give it time

while we sank while we let go

fingers through fingers

heart to heart

if i loved you--

i would set you free to the wind, but my dear

this was never love like you knew

you were the last piece of me that remained.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

Sleeping, like dying, delivers you from one world to the next - to rest in crypts and wake in gardens.

3-15-2492

there's a voice on the speaker

and i can't make out the words.

i recall it just like yesterday,

i shoulda called you every day.

i miss you.

there's a voice on the speaker

and i can't bring myself to care.

flight 52 now boarding,

even though we know you ain't goin nowhere.

stuck in a rut, wheels spinnin

where you runnin?

what's your business?

and everything aches

it's crashing down around me,

and nobody seems to hear me;

pretty face, porcelain.

comin apart at the seams

i wanna give in.

there's a voice on the speaker

and it's counting down;

to zero hour

to the end of days.

and everything i fought for,

keeps slipping away.

there's a voice on the speaker

and it's mesmerized me;

caught in the undertow

telling myself

it's easier to let go.

it's easier to sleep.

and everything aches

we keep going,

hollowed out and surreal.

something's gotta give;

and the longer i fight

the more i worry it's gonna be me.

_______

From the private journal of Nadir Ibn Al-Dhahabi

Commander, Leader, Decker, Ripper, Artist, Failure

Lies you have told yourself: Your humanity is the largest burden you will bear.

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